How to Let Go of Guilt as an Alzheimer’s Caregiver

“Guilt is a common experience the majority of caregivers have on a regular basis,” says Natali Edmonds, PsyD, a board-certified geropsychologist who specializes in working with older adults and their families and the founder of Dementia Careblazers.

The reasons you feel guilty can vary. For example, you might be trying to live up to an ideal or sense of obligation that’s impossible to fulfill. But Alzheimer’s and dementia are incurable, so the disease will progress no matter how hard you try to protect your loved one.

“There’s no amount of care or anything you can do to stop that decline from happening, and the amount of help they need continues to increase,” says Dr. Edmonds. “And so it feels like whatever you do, it’s not good enough.”

“Anything you do to help yourself is going to have the side effect of helping your loved one with dementia — by keeping you around longer, helping you show up as your best self, keeping you present with your loved one, lowering resentment, and allowing you to stay healthy,” says Edmonds.

Of course, telling yourself not to feel guilty is one thing, but putting it into practice is another. Try these strategies to give yourself a little grace:

1. Be Confident About Your Decisions

Caregiving involves making a lot of choices, from whether you and your loved one should skip a family event to whether it’s time for a higher level of care for them. And your loved one might not be able to weigh in. “Sometimes the person with dementia might not even truly understand … their care needs,” says Edmonds.

It’s easy to feel guilty about the possibility of making the wrong decision on their behalf. “Guilt develops, because you think you did something wrong,” says Edmonds. “But when you really think about it, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re just doing something that’s hard.”

To combat feelings of guilt, Edmonds recommends asking yourself, What is my reason for making this decision? Once you have the answer, ask yourself, Do I like this reason? Next, consider the alternative. Would you like that alternative reason?

Once you answer yes to a reason, keep reminding yourself of that reason. The person you are caring for might not be happy with the decision, which can be difficult, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

“There are so many decisions you have to make that aren’t going to feel good,” says Edmonds. “But if you know why you made that really hard decision, then at least you can remind yourself of that in the moment, which can help you get through the feeling of guilt.”

2. Talk to Yourself as if You Were a Friend

When guilt starts to stir, stop and talk to yourself as if you were somebody you care about, says Edmonds. If your best friend, adult child, or someone else you love came to you with the exact situation you are in and said they feel guilty, what would you tell them?

“I guarantee that you would not tell them, ‘Wow, you really messed up there,’ or ‘You made a bad decision,’ or ‘You're a horrible caregiver,’” says Edmonds. It’s easy to be your own worst critic, but if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.

3. Think of Your Feelings as Waves in an Ocean

“Guilt is one of the big emotions, but there are going to be lots of big emotions on this journey,” says Edmonds. As your loved one’s behavior turns erratic and unpredictable, you might find yourself feeling angry, which can then turn into guilt.

Remember, though, that this guilt will subside. “Every single feeling is temporary,” says Edmonds. “There is no feeling that we have ever felt that stays with us forever. That intensity is going to change.”

She thinks of these feelings as waves in the ocean. “Sometimes those waves are so strong and heavy, with few breaks in between,” she says. “They’re going to knock you down, but eventually, that ocean goes calm again. Think, 'I'm just riding out this wave. I know this is temporary. It’s hitting me hard right now. It’s okay.'”

4. Motivate Yourself Like an Athlete

Caregiving for people with memory challenges comes with many obstacles.

“In hard moments, you don’t need any more belittling or criticism of yourself,” says Edmonds. “You need that [motivating] self-talk, almost like what athletes do when they’re about to face a really big challenge, event, or game.” For example, reassure yourself that you’re able to meet the next obstacle that comes your way — even if that’s just helping your loved one eat dinner, get dressed, or go to bed.

5. Don’t Let Your Brain Be a Bully

That was true for someone Edmonds recently worked with, who chose to place her mother in a care facility because she kept falling. Two weeks later, the woman’s mother fell and broke her hip.

“My client came to me and said, ‘Oh my gosh, I made the wrong decision,’” says Edmonds, who assured her that was not true. Something worse could have happened if her mother had stayed at home. She might have fallen and had trouble getting help quickly.

Remember that your brain is wired to focus on the negative and spot threats before they hurt you. “Your brain is not always going to give you the most logical answer … so you have to work through challenges yourself,” says Edmonds. “You have to kind of become your own therapist and make sure you don’t let your brain get away with these tricks.”

6. Try Therapy

A therapist could help you work through some of your feelings.

7. Go Forward, Regardless of Guilt

Struggling with guilt is normal when you’re caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s and dementia, says Edmonds. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes it’s best to continue doing what you’re doing, even if the guilt won’t go away.

“The feelings of guilt don’t necessarily need to stop you,” says Edmonds. “They can coexist and be there while you move forward.”

The Takeaway

• Guilt among caregivers of people with Alzheimer’s and dementia is very common, but it’s almost always unfounded.
• To help ease feelings of guilt, try talking to yourself as if you were a friend, giving yourself the same grace and understanding you would give someone else.
• Remember that your brain is wired to focus on the negative, which can exacerbate the feelings of guilt. Talking to a therapist, particularly someone trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, could help.